I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
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Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.