Is fructose made with real fruct?
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken