“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
You Might Also Like
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.