Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.