*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
You Might Also Like
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Science memes
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Bill is short for Billiam
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*