I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
You Might Also Like
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.