Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp