[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
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Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Yup
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?