[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Guilty! 🤪
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.