Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
You Might Also Like
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
#growingpains
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.