Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
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Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
water it, i dare you
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.