Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
You Might Also Like
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*