FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Ion see the issue
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”