ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
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Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?