{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
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It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?