I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy