Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
You Might Also Like
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.