My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.