My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
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As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas