Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.