“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop