I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Legend 🤣🤣
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”