You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!