I missed you with all my darts
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Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Generation gap…
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…