Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
You Might Also Like
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.