I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?