[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.