Very good news from my accountant
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Bloody internet 😳
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.