At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.