I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
You Might Also Like
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I’m dying louder than usual today.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)