[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
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they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend