FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
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o shit
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again