You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
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“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time