[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
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Schrödinger’s cookie
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—