Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
This is the best one I’ve seen
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet