It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
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If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too