Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
good let them take over I have had enough