We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
This is a sub tweet
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Best table by far
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.