The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”