Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
for all #parents out there
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*