“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
This woman is my idol. Free her.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?