My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Money is the root of all wealth
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay