If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
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If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.