“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
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Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
if my sleeping schedule was a person
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
How your email finds me
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.