Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
One of the best
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
The Others (2001)
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”