No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Those are good neighbors.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Is this a threat?