Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
sigh
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions