Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions