Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
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My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.