My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
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